Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
