What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
