I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I smell like Dick and happiness
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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