my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
this is an emotional support booty call
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
