I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
