listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
