I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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