I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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