as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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