when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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