What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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