just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
