I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
