Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
