Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
