Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
