if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
There's even glitter on my cock...
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