I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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