you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
