mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
A+ Viking dick
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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