I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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