My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
