If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
