Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
