just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
