I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
