The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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