So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
of course. lets lasso hookers.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
