She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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