Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
too bad you live with your parents still
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Randomize
