i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
