what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
