if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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