i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
