Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
