didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Floor bacon is actually really good
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
