Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
