i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
