I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
