He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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