I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
