If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Randomize
