I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
