Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
