DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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