i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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