you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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