ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
