Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
