All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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