dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
