My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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