"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
My breasts were aching with rage.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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