Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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